


A Dolphin, a Shark, Two Old Men, and their Bunnies

by orphan_account



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types, Free!, Tiger & Bunny
Genre: Comedy, Gen, I tried okay?, well failed comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 10:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6513913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a reason Haru doesn't mention his extended family much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Dolphin, a Shark, Two Old Men, and their Bunnies

It was late evening when Rin met Haru's family. Well, not the immediate family - he had met his parents a while ago - but his extended family. His two uncles, and their boyfriends.

"Haru, I can't believe you went to so much effort," Rin said. "The candles, the music, the fact you aren't wearing jammers for once..." He looked and smiled at Haru. "What's all this for, any way?"

"It's our anniversary," Haru said, sitting down and sliding over a plate of various fish.

"That's not for another two -"

"Of the first time we went swimming together."

Ah. That made more sense for Haru. Still, a nice meal was a nice meal, so Rin wasn't about to kick up a fuss. He was about to try an anchovy, when there was a bang on the door, and Haru froze.

"Haruka!" A deep voice Rin didn't recognise called through the door. "Ha-ru-ka! It's us! Your favourite uncles!"

_Haru has uncles?_

"Shit," Haruka whispered, his eyes wide. "Shit. Rin, you have to hide."

"Haruka! We know you're in there! We already check Ma - Mari? Muramasa? -" 

"That's my brother's name -"

" - Whatever! We checked your friend's house and he said you weren't there! Open up!"

"Rin, you have to hide," Haru said quickly. "Get in the closet."

"What?"

"Get in the closet, Rin!" Haru grabbed Rin and began to pull him towards said closet, shoving him in and closing the door. There was some scraping, and Rin realised with a jolt that Haru was bracing the door so it wouldn't open.

"You make a sound," Haru hissed, "a cough, a laugh, or whatever, and I will make sure you will never swim again."

"HA-RU-KA!"

A sigh, and then the sound of Haru padding away to answer the door. It was very dark in the closet, though Rin thought it was more an airing cupboard than anything. He heard murmurs, and then the sound of padding feet again. 

" - really, Haruka, I thought we told you we were visiting for a week." This voice was rather deep compared to Haru's.

"You never said what day though. Or that you were bringing along your boyfriends."

"It's a free country, Haruka! So what if we wanted to bring along our Bunnies -" That voice was still deep compared to Haruka's, but more - whine-like? High pitched? - than the other voice.

"My name isn't Bunny." This voice, again, was more deeper than Haru's, but definitely was more high pitched, and seemed to belong to someone who wasn't a native speaker of Japanese.

"Oh, just sit down," Haru said, a repressed sigh in in his voice. "I'll get some tea." He seemed to have left the room, his feet sounding more heavy than usual.

"He's grown up well, our Haruka, hasn't he?" the second voices asked, with a sigh. "Reminds me of my Kaede. Good head on both their shoulders."

"Why didn't you bring her along?" the first voice asked. "She likes Haruka, doesn't she?"

"She didn't want to come. Which is a shame - we could have used her power to check to see Haruka is a NEXT."

These men, Rin decided, were insane.

"I thought he could talk to water or something?"

"I'm fairly sure he was joking," the third voice - Bunny? - broke in, followed by a grunt Rin didn't recognise as coming from the other two voices. Yes, whoever these people were, they weren't normal. And this was coming from someone who had shark teeth. He shifted around in the cupboard, and half wished is phone had more apps on it than that damn Kitty Collector Nagisa had demanded he get. Just for something to do, he checked it - god dammit. Tubbs had reappeared.

" - you know, he's left out a plate of fish. Think we could have it?"

"I dunno. Actually, if he didn't expect us, why are two plates out?"

"Maybe he was just very hungry tonight."  
Rin leaned against the door, and sighed through his nose.

"Did you hear that, Kotetsu?" Ah. Now he had a name for the second voice. Kotetsu. Had Haru ever mentioned a Kotetsu?

"Come to think of it, has that chair always been against that cupboard?"

"I don't think so, no. Wait, has he got anywhere to sit? We're taking up most of the space."

"You're right - I'll just grab that chair for him."

Rin didn't exact realise what this meant until he heard the chair behind him scrape away and felt the door behind swing out. Because of course Haru would pick the one closet that swung outwards and had a weak lock. Of course he would, Rin thought has he tumbled backwards, did a half-complete backward roll and landed on the floor, facing the table.

When Rin opened his eyes, he had to shut them again. He had only caught a glimpse of what fate beheld him, but it was enough. A sword was pointing directly at him, and one of them appeared to be glowing blue. What a cruel, strange end for Matsuoka Rin.

"Please don't threaten my boyfriend," Haruka interrupted, reappearing and holding a full tea tray in his hands. "I like this one."

Rin dared to open one of his eyes to examine the two men who held his life in his hands. They were both tall, and didn't resemble Haru much. Well, the one holding the sword - who was heavily scared and had a bright red kimono - looked as though he could be both Rin's and Haru's dad, a fact that deeply disturbed Rin. The other - the one who had been glowing blue - was more tanned, less scarred, had spiky brown hair crammed under a hat that reminded Rin of a badger, and a beard that looked like two cat heads.

"Oh?" the one with a cat beard said, tilting his head. "Well then, why didn't you say so?" He smiled down at Rin, as he wasn't about to him to a bloody pulp a minute ago, and held out his hand. "I'm Kaburagi Kotetsu, Haruka's uncle. That one there, with the sword, that's Nanase Koujaku, Haruka's other uncle." Koujaku glared at Rin. "And behind us are Noiz - that's the short haired blond - and Bunny - or Barnaby! -is the long haired blond with glasses. And you are?"

Rin watched as the long haired blond - Barnaby - swallowed. "Matsuoka Rin, sir. And I -"

"And he really should be going now," Haru said, putting the tea tray down on the table and striding over to Rin. He pulled at Rin's arm, and began dragging him to the front door. "He'll be back tomorrow."

"Nice to meet you all!" Rin called as Haru tugged him away. He tried hard to ignore Haru's glares as he pulled on his trainers.

"So, um," Rin said, standing up and glancing around. "Your uncles seem - nice."

"They're not even related to each other," Haru muttered, hiding his face in his hands. "Koujaku is the Nanase side. Koutetsu is the Kaburagi side. They met at my parent's wedding, and they've never been apart since." He took a deep breath. "They got drunk at my fifth birthday, and decided to karaoke. It was 'I Will Always Love You'."

"That doesn't sound so bad -"

"Dedicated to each other. And then to me." 

"Oh."

"Kotetsu was alright, because Stern Bild is an English-speaking place, but Koujaku can barely string together text book phrases. And then there was Kotetsu's dancing." He then looked up, and glared hard at Rin. Rin wondered if the effects of a glare could be diminished if one was subjected to it enough.

"You're coming back tomorrow. And every day after that. Because I am not suffering alone."

"What about -"

"Makoto knows too many embarrassing stories from them. Do you want them and Nagisa with each other? And Rei wouldn't be able to cope at all." Haruka jabbed a finger into Rin's chest. "You are suffering with me, or so help me, you won't even be able to buy swimsuits ever again."

Rin couldn't wait.

**Author's Note:**

> I rushed this and it sucks, but I really wanted to write something for my best friend's birthday and have it out for that day. Happy birthday! So yes, it is rushed, and it sucks, and I will probably come back to it.


End file.
